I’m not sure if it’s the moon in Scorpio, my own water cycle or simply being human but right now I am finding it difficult to love.
To love is my intention spiritually, otherwise I wouldn’t be bringing it up in the first place, but mentally my mind runs off with other kinds of thoughts than love and my feelings these days are on a speedy roller coaster ride driven by something other than love too.
Maybe I’m just realising that I never really loved at all or that maybe I was just pretending.
Perhaps I’m dropping deeper into a love I have not known before and I am finding my feet on new ground but right now the feeling of love still eludes me.
Crystals, unicorns and dolphins once did it for me but recently my connection to God has become demandingly more grounded. I want to be able to share the kind of love my spirit knows of with other human beings.
I have no desire to change or reflect on others I ask only that they own up to their projections, their limitations and are brave enough to claim their own baggage.
As I check into myself what comes up is “how can I talk of love when I am still in an energy of fight with any sister or a brother?”
“How can I feel love when my instinctive way of moving through life is in defence or in fear?”
“How can I speak of love when a conscious or unconscious competition is taking place between you love first no you love first?”
“How can I express love when my own language carries hurtful undercurrents I am not even aware of?”
Where there is fear there is no love and to open further I have fear plenty.
There is no need to go very far. Why talk of wars in another country when there are just as many taking place much closer to home?
Honestly are close, intimate, family relationships a peace zone for you? There is a presumed love. A blood binding love. A habitual love. But is this really love?
I have no other way of explaining the pain we inflict daily on those we say we love other than we do not love.
And as I hear myself define all this as mental theory I catch an entirely fearful egocentric sensation as it rises up from my unconscious and permeates my existence: I don’t want to die alone.
I want to survive over another whatever it takes as more savage, jealous and vengeful memories bubble up.
I will do whatever it takes to be loved, to be seen and so I sell my truth, my soul to another less I remain alone.
I sit with God and ask he, she, it for connection. And yes I have moments of a soul quenching sensation but didn’t I choose to come down here to learn to be with other human beings?
Is the connection I seek to feel with other fellow humans even possible, fleeting, momentary at best?
To turn this around, to curb its hold on me I connect to the love I feel or don’t feel for my own self.
No, honestly, I don’t love me enough to take care of me the way I want to be taken care of.
To take the time out to honour how far I have come.
So how can I expect this of others?
Giving up on love is out of the question. Slowing down is being nowhere really and taking time out is just buying time.
Yes of course I’m fine. All is ok. In fact life has never been better which is probably what is giving me the security to look into darker corners I hadn’t dived into before lest I don’t find my way back.
I guess all these thoughts and feelings are difficult and heavy. But I am seeking a love that is honest not perfection.
I don’t believe I am being dark, cynical or negative. I believe I am being truthful.
Perhaps a love that is able to speak of itself not being there is love.
Maybe my buddy is right after all when he tells me :
“We are 3D, our mind and body, and so we create 3D.
Love is 4D. If you write about It, it becomes 3D again.
You can not speak nor write about Love.