“The inescapable situation I am in.
I’ve been a convenient baby no less I awaken even more of that fear that runs through the chord that feeds me.
I start looking for the exit but I cannot find it…slow down please you’re making me spin.
I do not fit! I can still feel the bump on my head to this adult day.
I am stuck!!
I cannot do it!!! I can’t go through.
But I can’t go back either…I no longer fit.
The compactness is pressuring my knees, my pelvis, my spine, my neck contracts and twists 180 degrees it seems…
I am totally contracted and twisted and still she doesn’t respond…her pelvis does not open.
I will die!
I cannot do this!
They are unaware of my needs…and yet even in this urgent moment, I feel guilty I need so much attention… (how can this even be possible? I’ve touched on an ancestral nerve perhaps?)
She is somewhere else attending to her own unmet needs and unattended fears.
In this dance there are not two.
In this frozen, contracted moment in time there is no connection only intense fear.
I don’t know how to do this!!! How do I subside the panic, the fear…???
And….just before I feel I have no more breath left….I wriggle I twist like a cork screw, a sperm or tad pole…my body remembers
A taste of blood and muck fills my mouth
Am I dead or am I alive?!
Confusion, loss, separation I must have been taken away….”
Memory extract from Birth, Memory and Water by Sophia Michalopoulou 2019